| 5.11.2026 | 11:25pm | ||
anyways uh. im back on medication and been like buying plants or some shit. been playing chiikawa park. watching a lot of movies. I wake up, take my meds, will either go on a short hike at the local parks or watch a movie then go to sleep for most of the rest of the day ( on days im not working lol) I went to a show alone and ended up getting drunk and just walking around in the city with some guy who also came by himself. he started talking to me because he liked my pants, thanks h.naoto . he sat next to me during the show and let me sip some of his "white trash beer". I thought I hated beer but it wasn't even that bad it kind of just tasted like cereal. The drink I got for myself was like some strawberry mojito thing. I drank some of it and could feel myself like getting tipsy so I passed him my drink and was like "bro drink the rest of this for me I don't need to drink all that" but then was like mannnn fuck it no give it back to me. (I did not drink all of it no worries no worries). I only went walking around with this rando because I like felt pretty okay but wanted to get some food in me before I drove myself home, it was like a little over an hour drive there. It was weird I only felt like drunk or tipsy or whatever for half the show then was sitting there like. okay im pretty normal again whatever. but the guy was like Drunk I think he had like two beers and then some of my drink. Which I dont even think it that much but bro was like "unghhh im fuckedddd upppp" and had told me he had spent most of the day pre-gaming this show at the local bars. He asked if I smoked, I said haha no but I don't care if you do (exposure therapy) so he asked if I wanted to walk somewhere to get food and so he could roll. we got fucking Mini Corn Dogs. at some like pinball arcade thing and sat outside while he was telling me a bunch of philosphy type stuff, it was actually interesting like yeah drunk guy tell me about some monk level idea shit. Tell me about manifestation and how corrupt money is. His phone was busted so it died and he had to use mine to call for a ride, haha. He lives pretty freely. This guy was like a total opposite to me. But it was nice to chill with him. He also told me about a group of people who went out in the woods and accidentally shot one of the guys, bc of my name. One of the girls in the group had a two word name and part of it was my name, so it made him think of it. I was like racking my head because I also knew that girl I went to middle school with her and her ex-finance pierced my bellybutton. It was a really weird night for me. anyways we walked around more and sat in some other area while he super quickly like did everything to roll up a joint. Maybe it was just me being like sad and not wanting to give a shit, but usually the smell of weed smoke pisses me off. Whatever he was smoking didnt smell like anything. Maybe I've just been a fucking prude this entire time? It was just my mindset? That makes me want to die!! !! I should of not been giving a shit like three years ago!!! Fuck off! |
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| 5.11.2026 | 9:22pm | ||
Current state of being might just be the worse I've felt in my life (so far! there can always be more!) I've been shown and taught an entirely new form of loneliness. Everything that I felt like I was looking forward to has been abandoned. I've been given up on and left behind. I dont know what to do with myself. Whatever I need to do I guess. I'm trying to not let myself give into certain feelings, like I've done before. But I have a begging, screaming, crying voice telling me that: oh! it happened again! you were used for the only few things you're good for! then tossed out when they were no longer worth it! if only! if only! if only! I'm more alone then I've ever been in my life and I don't feel like I will ever be able to feel safe opening up to others or attempting to be known by others again. I just don't feel safe and I'm scared. I was already scared all the time, I was already so neurotic. But this is worse. I'm sorry that I didn't realize how highly neurotic I really was. Or my compulsions fully. I was just starting to consider the way my brain and thoughts work in a way that was making sense, I was just finding new ways to try to cope. I was trying new ways to try to explain my thoughts, I'm sorry that my thoughts don't make any sense. I'm so sorry that my brain works this way. This whole time I thought this was just anxiety. I thought I had people I could trust but no consideration was given to me. It was so easy to leave me. Was it worth it? This secret you've finally gotten rid of. I will keep your feelings hidden, god forbid you felt them and had people know you felt them. Youve done your best to destroy them and any evidence in what I can only feel now is nothing other then the crime scene of our private business. A splattering of the building insecurity. I'm so sorry I couldn't have found new ways to give you more confidence in yourself. I keep disecting it all, and just wanting to say sorry. I am truly just an object and I am better when I am just played with. I feel like something that was set up to be discarded. But I don't want to let myself feel like that. I keep talking myself out of those feelings. Why? But I can't resent you the same way you seemingly resent me for whatever reason. I'll still hope that you get everything I wished to see you get and everything I promised to help you with. It'll come to you. I'll love whatever you are and whatever you will be, I'm glad those were some of my final words to you in our last conversations. I don't regret that. I hope you search for me in other places and are never able to find what you're looking for. I hope the reminders of me will linger the same way yours will for me. My memory is so annoying and selective, I don't like what I can remember, I dont like my clutched hands gripping abstract sentimental value. I wish I could be mad at you. I can't do anything other then replay everyday of these last few years in my head. but at least I was cool about it. At least I made it easy. At least I kept things private. At least there was an easy option to ignore the hurt, so nonchalant about the avoidance. It seems like theres so many ways to just make things worse, but I'm no better then a trained dog. I dont see a point in it. I don't see a point in anything. I'll let you have whatever you want. |
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| 2.21.2026 | 9:40pm | ||
 I started screaming and chewing on the edge of my desk when I saw this. Sold over half a year ago. ohmy god bro please bless me with a deal like this omfg. I used to have Koujaku and Noiz but I sold them and now I want them back. |
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| 2.15.2026 | 10:21am | ||
| I want to start drawing a whole lot more. More art without thinking too much...sadly I still really feel like some of my creativitey is held back by "ohh what will other people think" and I really just need to stop doing that LOL...It makes me sad! Keep art weird and all that.
In other news ... sometimes my brain works! In other news part two . . . been playing through sweet pool and replaying dmmd. 2026 year of the fujoshi! |
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| 2.13.2026 | 9:49am | ||
| Ive been like extra nervous about randomly dying recently. It's kind of always a lingering thing for me. Like quite literally all of the time. It makes me hesitant to do daily tasks but sometimes it flares up and gets worse. Like I'll not want to drive my car to get to work because my brain is like "You're going to get in a wreck and DIE if you drive your car today!!!!". But I do it anyways because I guess I'm just barely rational enough to overturn those thoughts. Or I'm too embarrassed by the idea of consequence of not showing up to work just because "I felt like I was going to die". Sometimes I try to keep track of when it flares up but I really can't notice a pattern . . . like I'll be in my head like "Oh well you watched this horror movie so maybe thats why you're on edge". But sometimes it feels like theres no reason to it. Oh, you had an interaction with a customer that was slightly off? Three days worth of thinking you're going to get randomly murdered in your sleep or going to get randomly shot in the head while at work. Took a little too long working on a commission because of your real life work schedule? You're going to come home after work and the whole house is going to be burned to the ground or everything in the house is going to be gone. Like I don't know. This is kind of just the mind I live in lol. |
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| 1.25.2026 | 8:01pm | ||
| finally got my hands on the native aoba figure where hes in the bondage gear and has the cross behind him. Im soooo happy he came up second-hand but never opened/displayed for a price that wasn't too insane. So I grabbed him super quick OTL I have literally regretted not buying this figure when I saw it at a con in 2018 so I'm glad to finally have him. I got my other aoba for like $90 so I was trying to hold out like for a deal like that agiain LMAO but this figure gets bought up sooo fast so I just bit the bullet. | ||
| 1.20.2026 | 10:14 | ||
| spider (my cat) wants to lay on my lap every single time im sitting at my desk but she is simply too big to fit comfortably on my lap with how my chair is. and she makes me legs go numb after like 10 minutes im so sorry kitty that you cant sit on my forever | ||
| 1.20.2026 | ||
| I like doing commissions because I get to see the characters that people have made and love and they love them enough that they want to pay to see me draw them. Like that is so nice and it's very fun to me....
also it helps pays for my groceries so that i allow myself to get whatever i want and get myself nice groceries. i appreciate the people that support me! |
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1.13.2026 | |
| scary expensive plush rabbit phenomena | ||
| 8.1.25 | 12:30pm |
 Also last night while I was browsing mercari japan, I came across this seller who nearly had an entire inventory of items related to shoko asahara or the aum Shinrikyo cult. (This gif barely shows off just HOW MANY books they had lol) With a mass of their stock being posted this year, a few days ago. Some items were even added between me viewing the page last night and then again today to get this gif. Interesting! |
| 8.1.25 | 10:40am | ||
| OKAYYY It's been a while since I've touched the blog part of my site (sad..sad). I've just been so busy! I have two part time jobs (on top of doing art commission type work) so I'm pretty much working all the time AUGHHH!! My new part time job is at a small business gluten free bakery/store. I'm about to ask for less hours from the job I like less (pet store) so I can have more then just one day off every two weeks lol... like it's hurting me so bad, I thought I would be fine but it's doing so many not good things to me.
ANYWAYS THOUGH! I got to go to a nice dinner for my mothers birthday last night! Each day I cherish her more. We got oysters and a delcious pasta dish. It was a busy day but it was nice to get to really spend the end of it with my family. Lol... I'm hoping to get back to making more art soon, with everything going on with the net I feel like it's now more important then ever to try to express myself through art. |
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| 5.29.25 | 11:59pm | ||
| Okay I'm back from my trip I'll make site updates at some point. Yayy yay yayyy yahoo!! I had so much fun, I love my friends ^^!!
also I was able to get a pandausa plush without having to spend $400+ or whatever people try to ask for him (insane amounts I really dont understand.) I'll be taking him everywhere with me. |
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| 4.10.25 | 7:22pm | ||
| I'm so so happy!
Getting my tattoo today was such a lovely experience, I'm so thankful to my artist! He was amazing and so much fun to talk with while being worked on :)! His vibe was amazing and he was playing death grips over the speakers while working on me, we got to talk about music and horror movies and just general zen of life things! The vibe was amazing, literally the idea tattoo experi for me since I went in being so nervous ^^!!! Happy ♪ It didn't hurt at all, and the session was so easy to sit through!! picture of my tat will be added to my photolog but heres the pic as well!! HERE! |
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| 4.9.25 | 8:40pm | ||
| Tattoo tomorrow!!!!! I'm so excited yay :D! First bigbig tattoo I'm getting! | ||
| 4.4.25 | 12:09pm | ||
| I woke up and huffed my black jack inspired incense ("The fragrance is a blend of sandalwood and herbal medicines used in traditional Chinese medicine (cinnamon, star anise, clove, sweet pine, herbicidal herbs, etc.), inspired by "Black Jack," which depicts the theme of medical care and life.)" to really get my day started. | ||
| 4.1.25 | 12:57pm | ||
| Im such a lonley little person and I keep taking my old anxiety pills hoping they will do something ^_^ | ||
| 3.30.25 | 7:24am | ||
| okay so I just bought a original painting by kaneoya sachiko. that is my birthday present for myself this year | ||
| 3.26.24 | 11:24am | ||
| Getting a tattoo in like a little over a week and I'm still not sure how to describe what I want to the artist. I like like all of his designs so I'm not too worried about it. But also I'm worried about it lol.
I wanted to get it because I feel like I haven't done anything to my appearance in a long time and that I've kind of just been stagnant with my routine. Always sitting and thinking on things instead of actually doing them!I'm getting older haha... |
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| 2.21.25 | 11:54am | ||
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| 2.15.25 | 4:54pm | ||
| I want to quit my job and take a week long trip to japan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | ||
| 12.31.24 | 1:04pm | ||
| I am actually so scared what do mean today is New Years. | ||
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12.26.24 | 10:44am | |
| Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!!
I spent this chrismas going over to my grandparents and then got to go see Eggers' Nosferatu in a historic theater. It was REALLY GOOD!! I love gothic horror!!!! I spent most of the day wearing my silly little outfits and being grateful and happy. So I'd call it a good day! |
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12.10.24 | 12:51pm | |
| (pic at left was from me trying on some new pants I got :) They are from H.Naoto! I've been really into cool looking pants recently so...I wanted to get maybe another pair. These are crazy comfortable so I can't wait to wear them out more ^o^!
Please excuse my sad empty wall. I've had to take down all my posters a while ago and just haven't gotten the chance to put them back up (sad. I miss my posters) I would like to quit my job ^_^! I'm overworked and we are so understaffed. Usually when I get to feeling like this about my job, I ask for a raise and get it. That usually tides me over for a while. But I haven't been able to this time and it feels like customers are getting SO MUCH MEANER!! I had a guy reel his fist back as if he was going to punch me because I told him I wasn't going to give him three MORE goldfish for his ten gallon tank. He wouldn't even listen to anything else I had to say about suggestions or anything else because he was too caught up on the fact I told him "no". UGH! This job takes so much out of me because while I'm there I'm doing so much multi-tasking + masking extremely hard. I feel like a dehydrated sea animal when my shifts are over. It leaves me unable to do anything else for the rest of the day which I REALLY HATE!!! I want to be able to dedicate my time to my art and reading!!!! |
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| 11.19.2024 | 12:40pm | ||
| Also! I'm so scared of the state of the world! I am terrified of what will happen with the H5N1 virus, the future economic state, and everything regarding our climate future!
I have a future that I hope to live out. And a person I hope to share that future with! Yet the world will change and continue despite my hopes. |
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11.19.2024 | 11:12AM | Machine Girl Concert | |
| I really wanted to make this log the day after I got back but ahh the distractions of life keep me drifted away.
Regardless! I will still make a post since I want to keep the memories somewhere! This past weekend, as of date of this log being posted, I got to go to a machinegirl concery with my dearest and friends ^^!! Kill Alters and Snooper were openers! It was a really energetic show which was totally to be expected!! I wish I had gotten to jump around and dance more but my pockets were full and I really did not want anything to fall out. This venue was super small but I still wanted to push up for that barricade spot (which we got lol, both next to the wall and up by the barricade!) Going to concerts really reminds me that human community still does exist. I love love love the vibe of going to a concert SO MUCH! I did sadly get sick after this trip though lol :P. I can't tell if it was from being at this concert or from the airport. Either way, I'm feeling much better now and I'll be more careful in the future! This was a really fun trip, I'm always really happy to get to go see my friends. |
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| 11.2.2024 | 10:20AM | ||
| Woo! Happy late halloween! I really wanted to make some halloween art but got kind of busy ^^;!!
Its crazy to me that this year is almost already over!! It went by really fast, but I think this was very much a good year for me :)! I'm happy for the relationships I've furthered and where those relationships will take me this next year! I'm happy and I love my friends! As far as art right now, I still feel like I need to be more open and expressive with what I make! I want there to be more "me" in the art I post. At this point in time, I want my mindset to be "so what if it's a little weird!" |
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| 10.16.2024 | ||
| I'm going to try to make myself dusting powder. Something about it just seems nice to me hmm..
Especially since the company that makes the best scented perfume oil I've ever bought has switched to making sprays and disconinued all their oils (even though the scent I love so much was discontinued before they even switched. still sad.)! I'd love to try and extend the vial of this scent that I have for as long as I can! |
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| 10/15/2024 | 9:33pm | ||
| I keep wondering why I just can't live with more normal thoughts. Why do I keep myself up for hours when I lay down to sleep, because I feel like tonight will be the night someone breaks into my home and brutally takes my life. I can't control if that will really happen or not, and if it does. Theres too many things I want to take care of, I have people I don't want to leave. Sometimes it's simply the fear that if I let myself sleep, I just won't wake up again. I'll live in that black void forever. Why is it that everytime I get into a vehicle or someone close to me is going off for a drive, I make myself worry that they won't come back. When I'm at work I worry that someone will break into the store and that will be the end of things.
I understand that these thoughts are in the back of people's minds and are maybe even common thoughts to explore. But these are the thoughts that go through my head. Every. Single. Day. Without fail. Very rarely do I feel in a state different from this repeat. I can distract myself but they come back. Nothing is particularly wrong enough to source these worries, they simply are. Most of the time I don't dream. I'm simply awake or asleep. Don't feel like I can speak about myself because I don't feel like I am anything. My thoughts are hollow and again, void. Empty of substance. A locked box that doesn't make a sound when you rattle it in attempt to guess it's contents. |
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| 10.08.2024 | 8:29pm |
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| 10.04.2024 | 8:27pm | ||
| laying on an ice cold floor. I think I am constantly holding myself back when it comes to making stuff for myself and you can like. Tell. I'm trying to stop it so that I can have fun making art again but its hard! | ||
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9.23.2024 | 2:56pm | |
| Nothing like opening a pretty old vintage figure and it's head has a huge hole in it from shipping! (Smiling through the pain) I bought myself a older, very big (50cm) stature of black jack. The package he was in just arrived today. I knew he was in there so I was very excited to open him up. Cut open the package, still excited and unaware that he'd be shot point blank in his head. I peel back the one single thin layer of bubble wrap he was wrapped in and bits of the plaster and paint he was made out of fall everywhere. It was then that I saw his huge head wound. I'm distraught. He was not cheap. I can't repair him because the plaster is stuck caved in and I don't want to risk the entire front half of his face falling off. q _ q |
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| 9.21.2024 | 9:11am | ||
| Going to both a celebration of life (funeral) and a birthday party today. I'm not sure how my mind is going to handle it considering how anxious I've been recently about death and everything surrounding it. Just another day huh? | ||
| 9.20.2024 | 12:57pm | ||
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Okay I'm finally putting my little thoughtless zone here.
I missed having my old one so much! If it isn't obvious: I'm really weird about emotions surrounding memories. I think having these little journals are semi-important. I'd like to be understood even after I leave, yaknow? I'd like to come back and see what was going on in my head at certain points. Or leave that behind for others to see, should they look for it or are curious. I don't know, something like that. I'm still also scared that having a spot where I'm too emotional is just going to be used against me in some way. But that also doesn't make sense. I'm too influenced by these fake fears I make up in my head (I guess being stalked online will do that to you!). It ends up just making me really closed off, and then I complain to myself about feeling like no one really knows "me". I was going to make this place just nothing but text, literally no code, just text. But lol how bleak would that be? I put a cute picture of puppies instead. |
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