| 10/15/2024 | 9:33pm | ||
| I keep wondering why I just can't live with more normal thoughts. Why do I keep myself up for hours when I lay down to sleep, because I feel like tonight will be the night someone breaks into my home and brutally takes my life. I can't control if that will really happen or not, and if it does. Theres too many things I want to take care of, I have people I don't want to leave. Sometimes it's simply the fear that if I let myself sleep, I just won't wake up again. I'll live in that black void forever. Why is it that everytime I get into a vehicle or someone close to me is going off for a drive, I make myself worry that they won't come back. When I'm at work I worry that someone will break into the store and that will be the end of things.
I understand that these thoughts are in the back of people's minds and are maybe even common thoughts to explore. But these are the thoughts that go through my head. Every. Single. Day. Without fail. Very rarely do I feel in a state different from this repeat. I can distract myself but they come back. Nothing is particularly wrong enough to source these worries, they simply are. Most of the time I don't dream. I'm simply awake or asleep. Don't feel like I can speak about myself because I don't feel like I am anything. My thoughts are hollow and again, void. Empty of substance. A locked box that doesn't make a sound when you rattle it in attempt to guess it's contents. |
||
| 10.08.2024 | 8:29pm |
 |
| 10.04.2024 | 8:27pm | ||
| laying on an ice cold floor. I think I am constantly holding myself back when it comes to making stuff for myself and you can like. Tell. I'm trying to stop it so that I can have fun making art again but its hard! | ||
 |
9.23.2024 | 2:56pm | |
| Nothing like opening a pretty old vintage figure and it's head has a huge hole in it from shipping! (Smiling through the pain) I bought myself a older, very big (50cm) stature of black jack. The package he was in just arrived today. I knew he was in there so I was very excited to open him up. Cut open the package, still excited and unaware that he'd be shot point blank in his head. I peel back the one single thin layer of bubble wrap he was wrapped in and bits of the plaster and paint he was made out of fall everywhere. It was then that I saw his huge head wound. I'm distraught. He was not cheap. I can't repair him because the plaster is stuck caved in and I don't want to risk the entire front half of his face falling off. q _ q |
||
| 9.21.2024 | 9:11am | ||
| Going to both a celebration of life (funeral) and a birthday party today. I'm not sure how my mind is going to handle it considering how anxious I've been recently about death and everything surrounding it. Just another day huh? | ||
| 9.20.2024 | 12:57pm | ||
|
Okay I'm finally putting my little thoughtless zone here.
I missed having my old one so much! If it isn't obvious: I'm really weird about emotions surrounding memories. I think having these little journals are semi-important. I'd like to be understood even after I leave, yaknow? I'd like to come back and see what was going on in my head at certain points. Or leave that behind for others to see, should they look for it or are curious. I don't know, something like that. I'm still also scared that having a spot where I'm too emotional is just going to be used against me in some way. But that also doesn't make sense. I'm too influenced by these fake fears I make up in my head (I guess being stalked online will do that to you!). It ends up just making me really closed off, and then I complain to myself about feeling like no one really knows "me". I was going to make this place just nothing but text, literally no code, just text. But lol how bleak would that be? I put a cute picture of puppies instead. |
||